Where man sees but withered leaves, God sees sweet flowers growing.

     As I sit here today thinking of Easter Sunday, my heart is full of so many scrambled emotions.  For I am thankful my daughter will be home today and in my arms, I am thankful for my family and my friends.  I am
saddened by the loss of my Nephew and the loss of my Daughter. 

Father,
Now the sun is risen,

I thank Thee for Thy silent strength
Given me in my hour of despair--
When the darkness
Seemed to smother,
And the tears
I selfishly shed
For my own pain
And trivial troubles
Shut out the light,
And I rendered myself
Alone.

My heart is heavy and let me explain why... The loss that a mother feels on every holiday, every birthday, every day, is nothing compared to the "Firsts". The first holiday you feel without your child.  Although I know my sister Tami felt that first on Christmas this year, it is still her First Easter without her baby boy.  I can speak from the heart on this because I too walked in her foot steps. The only difference for me is that I had my sweet Jorden, so forgive me if I feel saddened for my sister as I go through this weekend.  I handled Christmas a little better because my sister was here with me, we didn't have to speak a word or make eye contact for me to know just what she was feeling, thinking and missing, but for some selfish reason I had her with me and that seemed to make it just a little more bearable.

 If I could take all these Firsts away from her and place them on myself once again "I WOULD" for I have been there and I would take that pain away from her to bring her son back.

As I hug my daughter the minute she walks through my front door I will be wishing that my daughter could also walk through her "Ammy's" front door and give her that same hug.  I know that my sister will be surrounded by our beautiful family, for she will get to see Lilly and Connor and have the honor of celebrating Lilly's birthday, as I know that will put a smile in her heart, the pain is only covered with a blanket for that moment.

As I sit in Church on Sunday morning, my God lay his hands on me and give me the words to say to her, the love to give to her and the strength we all need to think of only wonderful, funny, priceless memories of Chad.  May God touch my sister as she lays her head down and comfort her only in the way that God can do.

On Easter Sunday, I shall think of my beautiful Jorden sitting beside me, and thoughts of happiness will fill my soul for my beautiful daughter Jessica is not alone on this Easter this year, she has her Chadman by her side, I have no doubt that they will have their own amazing meal, and then the biggest Easter Egg hunt in the world.

We all know that our kids loved to hunt eggs, so as I celebrate Easter Sunday may God give me strength and the sight in my heart to see our babies hunting those eggs, laughing, and loving one another once again.

This may not be a great blog, but it is truly what I am feeling right now...

Chad and Jessica Easter 1991


I love you Jessica and I love you Chadman... Find that golden egg in heaven you sweet Angels!!!!
Mom/Aunt Paige