Amazing Love, Thanks to my Family and Friends

My sweet sweet Jessica...

Jessica and Chad decorating Granny & Paw Paw tree this was a tradition in our family for years. These two amazing kids loved to do anything together...

Oh lordy Chad says, "Jess get off my tractor"

LOL They didn't do much without one another..... Cousin Love, it is amazing...











At this point, our days seemed to run together, I amy skip over parts as I am trying to write this chapter of my life and may have time frames incorrect, but I pray I don't leave anything important out..

While we were at Duke University did I mention that my baby sister Stacy Gough, left her home, left her boy friend, her job her life basically and she moved in with us.... She was at Duke with us, Jessica loved her some "Face" (that is what we use to call her)... Stacy got to do the "Macaranna with the Clown for Jessica in her very own hospital room" the family love and support I felt from everyone was "amazing love" ... We arrived back in Asheville where Stacy and I tried to find the strength to get through this a postive as we could.  I made a chart of all 17 medications Jessica now had to take, I had to give her a shot at 1:00 in the afternoon and this was so hard... the first time I went to give my baby a shot, I did not press down hard enough so it just poked her and bled, needless to say she and I both were crying at this point.  But mommy fixed that I went to the Pharmacy and I purchased the best numbing cream offered.... Yep no more would I make my baby cry.

The medications were necessary however, one med caused another med to do yet something else to that babies body.. It was hard to watch.  She was loosing her peripheral vision at this point and could no longer ride her bike, she knew now that she could not return to school, and that was very very sad (she loved her school).  I attempted to return to work since I had my baby sister there to help me (words will never be able to express what that meant to me to have her there).  I was in management at Asheville Family Heatlh Center so it was important that I attempt to show up (That pracitce was beyond amazing to me and my family)...

Days were cut very short as poor Stacy was taking care of Jessica and I would get that phone call "Sis Jessica is throwing up again" Quickly without thought I rushed home.

We all tried our best to make Jessica happy and comfortable, she was in an out of Mission Hospital... then on October 10, 1996 we went back to the hospital (on 10/11 Haw Creek had made arrangements for her to come to lunch with her class mates) on November 15, 1996 she was to meet her idol Celine Dion through "Make a Wish foundation", her favorite song was "Because you loved me", thankfully she was able to make her other wish come true and that was to have Glamour Shots made before she lost her hair... They were so beautiful.... But back to the day and night that changed my life forever.....

October 10, 1996 (just 9 days before her 9th birthday) we were back at Mission Hospital, Stacy was by our side as well... They wanted to keep her over night and then they promised we could go home and as long as she wore her mask she could go to lunch with her class... That night Stacy slept in one bed, her daddy slept in the bed beside the bed that Jessica and I slept in.... She began to breath really hard during the night, I woke up screaming for the nurses, when the doctor and the nurse arrived they told me "This was it" just hold her... I can not even tell you how I was feeling at this very moment but helpless as a mother that I could not take this away from her and give it to myself.... Shortly after what seemed seconds I was holding Jess and she took her last breath in my arms....

After that seems like a blurr to me and nothing else seemed to matter... I shut off from the world, I shut off from my husband and from my friends and family but most of all I shut off from my baby daughter 4 1/2 at the time Jorden Nicole Holcombe...  I did not meant to shut down but I did, I couldn't eat, sleep, take a shower nor come out of my room until one day Jorden came into my bedside and she said "Mommy my tummy hurts am I going to die like Ki Ki (This is the name Jorden gave Jessica since she could not say sissy).  At that very momement I shot out of the bed hugged her and said "oh no baby you are going to be just fine" but really how could I tell her that, "You Never Know if you will have tomorrow". I got the phone book and I found help... I needed help so that I could focus on Jorden and get through this most horrific thing I have ever been through.

My "amazing love" was my family and friends.  Stacy for giving up her life to live mine with me, Tami for driving to Asheville (from Gastonia) daily if I needed to see her Jess and to make sure her Sister was ok.  My parents were my rock.... I never felt more love in my life time then I felt during this tragic moment.  They gave me "maybe" 2 years...I got 6 weeks..  How do you go on, how do you love again, how do you rid yourself of anger, regret, sorrow... How was I going to forgive "God"?  I was scared and alone in my marriage at this point, what was I going to do?

 At the top of her foot stone was "Because you loved me" Jessica sang this song almost everyday.... We played this song at her services.  She was our "Ki Ki" ...

I visit this site weekly to this day, I did not stop being her mother, I have a responsibility to take care of her sourrondings and make them beautfiul with her favorite color... That baby loved "Purple"

Jessica said to me one day "Mom I am going to catch that moon some day" and guess what "she did catch that moon"... And someday I will see her again and I will be able to put my arms around her again..... Until then Jessie Bo...

My past, My Memories, My First Born

Last night I was telling my friend Nikki and my husband about this blog... So of course when I went to bed this is all I could think about.  First off not letting it whoop me, my BFF Sister says it is really easy, well I beg to differ... So my goal is to master this blog site (heehhehe).

I am excited to get started, I have so much bottled up inside of me and it wants to get out but I am not really sure where to start (AKA Life Time Story).. So I am going to start with 1987...

October 19, 1987 my beautiful "Jessica Gayle Holcombe" was born a red head to our wonderful family, and boy was she amazing.  She smiled all the time.  Some wonderful memories I have is her love, she wanted to get so close to you know matter where you were that if she could crawl inside your skin "SHE WOULD"... Her favorite person in the world was her cousin "Chad Wade" and trust me when I say favorite because we were all getting a little scare, Jess loved him so much she would say "we are getting married one day", well that would have been strange, Chad loved Jess too he was so very good to her.

My BFF Sister watched Jessica for me when I worked late and Jessica's bedroom was Tami's bathroom LOL Jessica would sleep in Tami's tub, it was the sweetest thing ever, she loved her Ammy...

Jessica loved school, she first attended Rehma Christian Academy, until it became to expensive and then she transferred to Haw Creek Elementary.  She loved Haw Creek there she met so many wonderful friends (she gets that from her mom :) ).  Her best friends was Brianna Worley and Shannon (now married with two beautiful babies), those were her besties.  Brianna and Jessica would stay at our house allot, and they would sing, and make Christmas lists. Jessica was so selfless, she always thought of others before she thought of her self even at such a young age, she would make sure she asked Santa to bring her mommy a new house coat, her daddy a video game, and her baby sister a tent, she always asked what she wanted last.

I can only talk about Jessica for so long until I get weepy, so I want to talk about my baby girl in a positive sense so I will come back to my wonderful memories about her.  I will say that my life changed in 1996 and has never been the same.  In almost 15 years this year I can honestly tell you that not a day goes by that I don't wish we could replay 10/19/87 back over again.

On 9/3/1996 it was a Friday night and my girls loved Taco night and TGIF it was a tradition in our family.  We were having our special family night when Jessica said "Mommy I don't feel very good" so I suggested she put on her Jammie's... When she was returning with her Jammie's on she got very sick at her belly and started to vomit, I assumed it was my "Taco's" so I gave her something for her tummy and put her to bed for some rest.  Saturday came and Jessica did not feel better, I was worried so I took her into Asheville Family Health (where I worked at the time) and she got to see Mike Mahew her favorite doctor. She had the signs of the flu so Mike placed her on Phenegren and lots of clear fluids and rest. The Phenegren put her fast asleep where she slept most of the day and all of Sunday. 

On Labor Day 09/6/1996 Jessica woke up and she was projectile vomiting and I noticed her left eye was dilated, I got very worried so we called Mike at home and said Dr. Stephens is on call at Mission Hospital I will call him you all meet him there.

So we did, at that point they ran so many tests I could not keep up with them, later to find out that we checked in but we were not checking out, this was so scary that your entire body goes numb and you are really just reacting on pure Adrenalin.  Dr. Stephens decided to run a cat scan and to our surprise our baby girl had tumors in her head several so they began the prep for brain surgery and at that point found that the tumors were in-operable  and stared the process to transfer us to Duke University.

We were so lucky with the people that loved us that one of our friends had is father-n-law fly us to Duke on his personal jet, Jessica thought that was the greatest thing in the world. We got to Duke and met with the Cancer specialist Dr. Longey and from there the nightmare began.  With multiple test they found that Jessica had a large tumor on her left optical nerve and about 9 through out her brain.  They gave us a couple of options (none of which were very good), since they could not operate we had the choice of letting her survive with out them for about a year but not without pain or we had the choice to try what they called a "High Powered round of Chemo" well at the time of course we wanted the tumors gone and wanted our baby to be "Okay" so we opted for Chemo. 

"It's Okay Mommy" and then continued with the seizure.  I was at a loss for words, I was just at a loss to be honest.

Dr. Longey was amazing even though he had to deliver terrible news, we went back home to Asheville and back to Mission Hospital where Dr. Elliston had to tell us that the tumors where not going away and that we had maybe 2 years with our daughter.  I can only remembering falling to my knees and praying that I would wake up that this could not happen to her, why not "ME" please give me the tumors let my baby live.

Stay tuned because I have so much more to share...Right now I need to take a break as this is very hard for me to get out and trust me I should have done this 14yrs ago.

Remember along this path with me that I will refer back to my family and friends very often, what you will read about next is amazing love.....

Trying to find a way to release my feelings

WOW, this has been a challenge for me, thanks to the patients of my BFF Sister I think I might get to start writing.

I have started this blog, NOT to copy someone but for the most part because of my sister, and also do to my Psychologist, they both thought this would be a great way for me to release some of my emotions without being judged.  I have allot of built up sadness and it is time for me to talk about it.

I am not really sure where to start, but short preview; I lost my oldest daughter Jessica Gayle in 1996, now one would think that I have been able to move past the pain, but nope sure haven't.  My precious baby daughter Jorden Nicole went off to college in Aug 2010, to start her own life and let me tell you "Empty Nest" is a real thing, and it has been terrible for me.  On December 1st 2010 I lost my precious Nephew Cpl. Chad S. Wade in combat for our freedom in Afghan. So the plot thickens...   I may go back and forth due to the fact that I am a terrible writer and I tend to write like I talk and that can't be good.

This Blog is really for me.... to get out what I am feeling that is so very close to my heart. I am excited to see if this really helps.   I hope to write as often as I have time. 

I have to find somewhere to begin so I will begin with these three precious people in my life, Jessica, Chad and Jorden.